


Statement of Former Archival Assistant Augustina Poe Regarding the Termination of Her Employment at the Magnus Institute

by fictitiousLiterate



Series: TMA Crack [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon typical eye trauma, Crack, Eric Delano (mentioned) - Freeform, Gen, Jonah as Richard Mendelson, Original Statement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25717228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictitiousLiterate/pseuds/fictitiousLiterate
Summary: Statement dictated by Ms. Poe and transcribed by Eric Delano, Archival Assistant at the Magnus Institute, London. Statement given July 21, 1983.
Series: TMA Crack [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1862338
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Statement of Former Archival Assistant Augustina Poe Regarding the Termination of Her Employment at the Magnus Institute

Statement dictated by Ms. Poe and transcribed by Eric Delano, Archival Assistant at the Magnus Institute, London. Statement given July 21, 1983.

Statement begins

I want to make something perfectly clear: I don’t know how I got here. I don’t even know _why_ I’m giving you a statement. But I’m here, so let’s get this over with.

I was hired as an archival assistant in 1957 by your boss’s predecessor, Angus Stacey. I don’t know if you knew Agnus, but he wasn’t what I would call a “fun boss.” Or “possessing a sense of humor.” He had _a lot_ of opinions about Robert Smirke and his 14 Dread powers, but he didn’t laugh.

I would, occasionally, pull a prank on him. Nothing dangerous or that would lead to permanent damage to Institute property. Once, I just put a frog in his office, just to see what he would do. What he did was assume the Corruption or… whatever he was trying to reorder it into was attacking the Institute, pulled the fire alarm and everything.

The next day I got called into Dick’s office. Is Richard Mendelson still head of the institute? Still coming in with that smug grin and peeping green eyes? Not that it matters, I guess.

Anyway, Dick and I had gone to school together as children, although he never recognized me. I’m also pretty sure his eyes weren’t green when we were kids, but eye colors change. Anyway, he brings me into his office and tells me my little pranks will “no longer be tolerated.” I grew up with the guy and know for a fact that he once put a frog in the headmaster’s desk at our school. I know people change but come on.

I decided to give him little reminders of our youth. Again, nothing dangerous just the occasional woopie cushion on his chair or trick jar of peanuts. I even made a crude drawing of Angus nearly identical to one he made in school and put it in a file on his desk.

I guess he’d gone humorless, too, because he called me in to do a performance review. I assumed it’d be the typical stuff, productivity rating, how well I’d done not getting eaten by a murderous cloud or something, typical stuff. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to go off on some tangent about all the pets my parents said “ran way.” I guess my dad had some...interesting dietary habits that Dick somehow found out about and made me Know. It was...unpleasant.

I decided after that incident I’d do one last prank, a big one. I bought upwards of 300 googly eyes, snuck into his office, and put them _everywhere_. Except on the creepy painting of Jonah Magnus on his wall, I wasn’t going to risk getting sued for ruining a 150-year-old painting for a prank.

Dick comes in the next day with what I can only describe as vertigo. He’s sounded sober but he couldn’t walk a straight line and complained to Rosie that he had a headache. He was furious about his office, of course, but he didn’t call me up for a week. I thought maybe he knew it was my last one or he was trying to figure out the most humiliating way to fire me.

When he finally does call me into his office there’s someone else there. He was a big guy. As in he probably lifted buses in his spare time. Dick goes into this whole spiel about how I “couldn’t be allowed to continue” and I was “wasting valuable Institute time,” while picking up a melon baller. The big lad “helps” me into a chair and Dick has Rosie call me an ambulance.

Next thing I know the bastard has the melon baller _in my eye sockets_ popping my peepers out like he’s spooning ice cream. The ambulance picked me up and I hadn’t been back here until today.

Statement ends.

**Author's Note:**

> Her name comes from the one (1) totally incredible source claiming a woman by that name invented the melon baller and Edgar Allen Poe to follow Archival Assistant naming conventions.
> 
> I'm @leighistired on Tumblr. Come say hi!


End file.
